Road Trip Etiquette

  1. Clean clothes, clean body, clean breath, and clean bill of health. If you don’t have the four C’s, you nasty. Get out of the car.
  2. Minimize the music. This is a good chance for some bonding time. Turning on the radio says, “I am betting that whatever random song or commercial that plays next is going to be more interesting than the company I have in the car.” And please don’t be the person who decides a 9 hour car ride is the perfect time to educate your friends on some new indie band that no one but you has ever heard.
  3. Be ever conscious of the digestive consequences concerning your food and drink choices. While you may really want to get the double deep fried chili dog for lunch, it’s a safe bet that no one in the car wants to suffer the pungent repercussions of this choice.
  4. If you stop for someone to use the bathroom, don’t be that person who tells everyone to get out and try even if they don’t have to go. Try? Are you serious? No one has ever gone to the bathroom and thought, “Man if I had only tried to go 2 hours ago when my bladder was drier than the Sahara I could have saved this unnecessary trip.”
  5. If someone’s phone rings you owe them 59 seconds of silence. If they can’t wrap up the call in 59 seconds the other passengers are fully within their road tripping rights to make farting noises in the background as well making fun of pet names you have for your significant other.
  6. Pack lite. You know who you are. A 3 day weekend doesn’t require 11 pairs of shoes, 16 board games and your sewing machine. A back pack should suffice for 3 days of necessities with plenty of room for that extra pair of underwear, just in case. And if you just can’t figure out how it’s all gonna fit, don’t worry; I hear Wal-Mart is still selling deodorant and toothbrushes these days.
  7. Don’t torture your travel companions by forcing them to listen to you to sing. They don’t want to listen to you, but their only alternative is jumping out of a moving car. Believe me, this alternative has crossed their minds.
  8. If you and your companions happen to get lost, do not say, “I think I have been here before” unless you have in fact been there before. If you so much as utter a whisper that you might be the slightest bit familiar with your surroundings, be prepared to prove your knowledge by reciting the name of the town’s mayor, sheriff and watermelon queen.
  9. Leave your shoes on. No exceptions. Even the cleanest feet stink in a car.
  10. In person, face to face conversations always trump a text message. Don’t be that person who stops speaking mid-sentence to look and chuckle at their clever new text message. Don’t be the person who holds their index finger up as the international “hold on while I finish this text” sign to your trip companion. Texting was invented to fill the much needed dissemination gap of information that was too time sensitive for the mail, but not quite important enough to call someone on the phone about. Show a little respect to the person who is looking you in the face and speaking.  People generally understand if you don’t respond to their text for a few minutes.

Should I Pay Or Should I Go? 10 Rules For Picking Up The Check

  1. Family Dinner – The patriarch and matriarch are the only ones who may pick-up the check for the entire family. If they don’t pick up the check, it’s Dutch treat. Don’t show up the patriarch by picking up the check for everyone.
  2. If you are out with friends and you say something foolish, you will be picking up the check. If you say something that puts someone else in their place, you need to pick up the check. If you say something to the wait staff that jeopardizes the integrity of the meal, you pick up the check. The lesson here is keep your mouth shut and eat.
  3. If you are planning on firing someone while eating with them, you pick up the check. Duh.
  4. Splitting the check is absurd, and if you agree to splitting you deserve to pay for someone else’s prime rib while they pay for a portion of your soup and salad.
  5. If a guy and a girl eat together and he pays, it is a date. If she pays, she must be the babysitter. If she insists on paying for her own, the guy needs to get a clue.
  6. No one should pay for a meal on their birthday. Generally a significant other should spring for the check. If there is no significant other, the birthday boy/girl’s friends should equally pitch in to cover the check. If your friends don’t pay for your meal on your birthday, find new friends.  
  7. If you aren’t picking up the check you technically don’t get a say in where you get to eat, unless it is your birthday.
  8. If you aren’t picking up the check, you do not get to complain about the service and especially the prices. If you complain about the service or prices, plan on paying for at least your own meal. Rule 2 applies here as well. Also, get used to the taste of saliva in your food.
  9. If someone asks you to pick up take out, don’t ask to be reimbursed. If they offer, it is ok to accept payment. If you don’t want to pay, don’t agree to pick it up.
  10. If you pick up the check, you are not allowed to disclose the amount of the check. This information along with the amount of the tip must be guarded like a CIA eyes only secret. If you mention the amount of the check to those you are buying dinner for you can plan to pay again next time, only next time you’ll likely be dining alone.  


I started a blog. I may blog a little. I may blog a lot. You may be interested in what I have to say. You may have no interest. I may blog about sports, religion or politics; but mostly I think I’ll blog about what is on my mind at the moment. If I don’t blog for a while, there probably isn’t much on my mind.