Should I Pay Or Should I Go? 10 Rules For Picking Up The Check

  1. Family Dinner – The patriarch and matriarch are the only ones who may pick-up the check for the entire family. If they don’t pick up the check, it’s Dutch treat. Don’t show up the patriarch by picking up the check for everyone.
  2. If you are out with friends and you say something foolish, you will be picking up the check. If you say something that puts someone else in their place, you need to pick up the check. If you say something to the wait staff that jeopardizes the integrity of the meal, you pick up the check. The lesson here is keep your mouth shut and eat.
  3. If you are planning on firing someone while eating with them, you pick up the check. Duh.
  4. Splitting the check is absurd, and if you agree to splitting you deserve to pay for someone else’s prime rib while they pay for a portion of your soup and salad.
  5. If a guy and a girl eat together and he pays, it is a date. If she pays, she must be the babysitter. If she insists on paying for her own, the guy needs to get a clue.
  6. No one should pay for a meal on their birthday. Generally a significant other should spring for the check. If there is no significant other, the birthday boy/girl’s friends should equally pitch in to cover the check. If your friends don’t pay for your meal on your birthday, find new friends.  
  7. If you aren’t picking up the check you technically don’t get a say in where you get to eat, unless it is your birthday.
  8. If you aren’t picking up the check, you do not get to complain about the service and especially the prices. If you complain about the service or prices, plan on paying for at least your own meal. Rule 2 applies here as well. Also, get used to the taste of saliva in your food.
  9. If someone asks you to pick up take out, don’t ask to be reimbursed. If they offer, it is ok to accept payment. If you don’t want to pay, don’t agree to pick it up.
  10. If you pick up the check, you are not allowed to disclose the amount of the check. This information along with the amount of the tip must be guarded like a CIA eyes only secret. If you mention the amount of the check to those you are buying dinner for you can plan to pay again next time, only next time you’ll likely be dining alone.  

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