Don’t Be That Guy…

Proof that my wife has great taste in men… – TH

Everybody knows that guy. The guy who does something that is generally considered to be a faux pas. To other guys, this might just be a quirk. Or, more likely, they’ve never even noticed it. The problem here is that that guy usually intends to impress girls, and girls know faux pas. Girls read entire magazines on what to do and not to do in this situation, what to wear or what not to wear, what this says about that, and so on. Girls pick apart every nuance. They do it to each other, and they do it to you. So be warned – don’t be that guy.

  1. Don’t be that guy who wears a class ring. Class rings are so…tacky. So you played football in high school. Just tell me that. Don’t wear jewelry that displays that fact in 4 point font. You were born in August. I’ll send you a birthday card. Don’t sport a gigantic, fake, green stone on your hand.  Maybe it was cool in high school. I don’t think it was, but hey, maybe. However, it’s not cool now. Class rings are big, brassy, artificial-gemstone-y time stamps. Don’t carry high school around with you. It is decidedly un-classy.
  2. Don’t be that guy who takes pictures of himself. It’s annoying enough when teenage girls do it. We do not want to see a grown man do this to himself. It’s self-absorbed and emasculating. And please, please do not be that guy that takes pictures of his muscles.
  3. Don’t be that guy who loves video games. I get it. All guys play video games. However, don’t drift into that category of guys who not only play video games, but actually then talk about those video games with other people, refer to them like everyone knows what you’re talking about, wears a headset while playing, or (please don’t) asks a girl to watch him play a video game. This is the point of no return. If you let yourself fall into this category, be prepared to only date girls who attend comic book conventions or worse, only date girls who also love video games. You don’t want to date those girls.
  4. Don’t be that guy who wants to travel. This line seems to work its way into every fantastical depiction of “the perfect guy.” Fluffy books and Lifetime movies are made on this stuff. Some real girls probably swoon over this lie, too. I really don’t know why. Oh, so the guy you’re interested in says that he wants to wander around the world for the rest of his life, and he wants to do it alone to “find himself?” Cool? No. That’s code for he’s going to dump you and disappear, and he wants you to assume he’s on an uncharted expedition to Antarctica where there are no phones and he can ignore all your texts. And that’s only if he’s telling you a blatant lie. If he really thinks he is going to travel, then you can probably also expect him to stay in college for ten years, achieving obscure and lofty-sounding titles and degrees.  Then, when he’s finally gotten every degree he can think of and the only logical next step is getting a job, then and only then, will he finally decide to travel (say that part breathily and with a most self-righteous look on your face).
  5. Don’t be that guy who can’t grow facial hair. I think most girls are attracted to some scruff, and a lot of girls are even attracted to full-blown facial hair. The problem is, not all guys can achieve that look. You know who you are. If you can’t grow a beard, you know it. It’s not your fault. Here’s the solution- just don’t let anyone know that all you’ve got is peach fuzz. That’s the easy solution. Patchy beards are the same. That’s not attractive, so even if a beard is stylish, just keep it clean-shaven. You’ll garner a lot more respect that way.
  6. Don’t be that guy who drives a weird car. All decent girls know that not everyone can afford a nice car, and you’ll do well to snag a girl who doesn’t require you go out of your means to please her with your vehicle. So, don’t fret, all you ’98 Honda Civic drivers. This one isn’t for you. This one is for those guys who drive the ridiculous cars. Why would you drive a Nissan Juke? Just please don’t do it. Those things are ugly and impractical. A two-door, small SUV? Why? This also applies to lifted, under-lighted, and decaled cars. It’s weird and kind of juvenile. But the worst offense, by far, is that of the obnoxious-colored car. Think that primer-base you’re sporting is edgy? No, just redneck. Loving your radioactive green sports car? You just wasted a lot of money, my friend. Your Corvette is yellow, you say? Drive it on over to Hooters. I’m sure you’ll find some admirers there, if you tip well. And that really goes for any yellow car. Don’t be that guy.
  7. Don’t be that guy who was a legend. Guys love to talk about the good old days, especially the good old sporting days. But isn’t funny how every guy was some unsung hero of the sporting world? There are some guys who were really legends, but it’s usually obvious. Like, maybe I’ve heard of you? Or maybe you look remotely athletic? Perhaps your friends could corroborate that story? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you weren’t that great, then just own up to it. Girls love a great story, even if it doesn’t include you being carried off the field on everyone else’s shoulders. It’s ok if you were the one dragged off by the trainers or the one just sitting the bench. It’s endearing.
  8. Don’t be that guy who quotes American Pie and/or Old School. It seems that this is a male phenomenon. Guys love these movies. Girls don’t. Please don’t quote raunchy movie lines to a girl you’re trying to impress. Not only are they gross, but when did those guys debut? Like 2000? Early 2000s. Now, to be fair, you were probably in the target audience at that time. I think every teenage guy saw it and loved it. But hey, that was a long time ago and you have (hopefully) matured. And if you haven’t, at least pretend like you have. When you spout lines from American Pie, girls think of you as that sweaty, spindly boy sitting in the theater, memorizing every word with your peepers popping out of your head. Do you really want her to think about you like that? Nope. So, before you open your mouth to make some band camp quip, think about what kind of images you’ll be conjuring. Oh, and also, if you say that band camp line, she’ll think you’re really stupid.

I’m sure there are other scenarios that are immediately off-putting to 90% of the female species, but this is as critical as I feel like being right now. If you aren’t guilty of any of these eight, then you are well on your way. And remember, most women are pretty forgiving. Maybe you should amend that story where you had the game-winner or have your car painted, but hey, those are pretty easy fixes. At least you’re willing to change. There’s nothing worse than a guy who refuses to admit when he’s wrong. Just don’t be that guy.

-AH

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